This week was not overly exciting. Or at least when compared
with the other few weeks. We are studying a lot more now that we are getting
pretty close to leaving and it was hard for my ADD brain that loves to play to
focus. I struggled a little this week and my faith kind of faltered. For
whatever reason I was just struggling with the whole concept of the gospel and
I feel like I waited until I came here to look for the truth rather than find
it beforehand and allow it to drive me. Since then I have just read the Book of
Mormon as much as possible. I had never really thought about it before but embarrassingly
I have never read it through on my own and then prayed to know the truth. I
realized that I have to ask for the truth before I can ask for anything else.
That is kind of how the whole week went. I learned little
things here and there that really forced me to look at my beliefs and decide
what I was ready to believe. It sounds kind of obvious in words, but what I
didn´t realize is the first person I have to convert out here is myself. So
that has been exactly what I have been working for this week. It put a very
real and heavy strain on my testimony and I had a very hard couple of days but
I am beginning to pick myself up out of it.
Probably the two most powerful lessons I learned this week
are: 1. Our stories are not just for us, they are for others to learn and
grow from also. 2. God loves us more than we can comprehend.
So every so often the people in my district have been
sharing their ¨Why I am on a mission¨ stories and it has been a pretty cool
tradition so far. Last night I was in the classroom with everyone with my nose
buried in the scriptures when Elder Marshall asked me to share mine. I really
didn´t want to because I felt it was personal and just for me. I was about to
say no when I just figured, ¨why not¨.
I have told parts of my story to people and even had to
share some of it in stake conference but there are lots of things I have kept
to myself. No one has ever heard most of my story and I was planning on just
giving the version everyone else has heard when I felt I needed to tell the
whole thing. I just kept my eyes on the floor and told them every detail and
what I felt and cried somewhere in there and just let all of my feelings out.
When I finished it was time to go back to our apartments so
we prayed and then everyone did this huge group hug, which was weird and then
went to their apartments. I was feeling stupid and embarrassed and vulnerable
and I was crying and I just wanted to get out of there so I walked in front of
the group just trying to get away. Elder Germann caught up with me and told me
how much he loved me and we were both crying like babies and then everyone else
caught up and then we were all crying. It was pretty much an all around bro
love session. I was still feeling embarrassed about what I had shared when one
of my absolute favorite elders, Elder Cluff pulled me aside and said, ¨I hope
you know God gives us these things so we can share them. Never be shy about
your story and sharing it with others.¨ I felt so much better after all of that
and we all ended up staying up until around midnight talking.
When we finally went to bed, Elder Germann and I were saying
companionship prayers. He has been very worried about this elder who has really
been struggling with Spanish and he was praying for him when he choked up and
could not go on. After a while he finished his prayer and then looked at me. He
told me he had felt God´s love for this elder so powerfully and he could barely
comprehend it. He told me how much we are cared for and I did not know what to
say. We went to bed and I am pretty sure neither of us slept.
That is what I want. I want to KNOW he loves us. I want to
KNOW he is there. I am sick of this ¨believing¨ bull crap and I just want to
know. I am going to work hard and keep working until I know and I feel I can
not be the missionary I need to be until I do. I can´t do it alone though. I
need everyone´s help. There are so many people who read these emails that have
amazing, powerful testimonies and I need that. I also need those who are in the
same boat to work alongside me.
Now that all of that is said I fell I need to assure you I
am fine. Yes it is a struggle, but is not that exactly what it is supposed to
be? Did I not walk straight into this knowing how hard and
testimony-challenging it would be? I knew exactly what I was doing and I did it
anyway. It is hard and I won´t try to be tough and deny it, but it is also the
first time in my life I have ever really challenged my beliefs so that they
could transform into knowledge. It is the first time I have ever had so much
purpose. I love everyone so much. The one thing I do know is that I am supposed
to be here. I have learned so much and though I am far away, I have never been
closer to all of you. May God bless all of you.
With absolutely sincere love,
Elder Aidan Daley Rich
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| Elder Rich and Elder Cluff in the CCM |
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